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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014074">the book of you &amp; i</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebutt/pseuds/bluebutt'>bluebutt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecure bois, M/M, first AO3 fic be gentle, lots of drinking oops, post carry on, songfic?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:42:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014074</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebutt/pseuds/bluebutt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>simon breaks up with baz.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dev &amp; Niall &amp; Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce &amp; Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the book of you &amp; i</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i listened to too much alec benjamin and it had me feeling a certain type of way even though this took me like two weeks to write. the book of you &amp; i is such a good song but i couldn't not give a happy ending, so idk if it really can fit as a song fic but i did use some of the lyrics. some of the formatting is annoying and i couldn't figure out how to fix it, sorry, but it's not that big of deal.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Baz</p><p>I’m going to kill Simon Snow. That is if he doesn’t do it first.</p><p>He’s rambling on about how we can’t be together but his voice isn’t registering in my brain. Even though I can’t hear him, every word still stakes into my heart. I can’t make myself meet his eyes so I decided to look at his tail instead, which is slashing the air as he speaks. </p><p>His voice starts to trail off and we just sit there, not looking at each other. I drag my eyes up to his, looking for something. All I see is an empty expense of blue. </p><p>I clear my throat and force the lump in my throat down. I get up silently and walk out the door. Once the door closes behind me I sink to the floor of the hallway staring at the carpet. I know I should get up and leave before Penny comes back or Simon looks out the hallway.</p><p>Why would he? He made it clear he wasn’t going to fight for us. We’ve been through so much and he’s taking away our happy ending. </p><p>I laugh bitterly at that thought. Aren’t happy endings supposed to last forever? I close my eyes, banging my head against the wall. I used too much force, and the noise echoed down the hall.</p><p>Shit. I don’t want Simon to know I’m still here. I leap up and rush to the stairwell, the door slamming behind me. I run down the stairs and out of the building, raking my hands through my hair. I wander down the street aimlessly, feeling more stabs at my heart as I pass the pizza restaurant we had our first proper date and the coffee shop where our last good day was.</p><p>That day, Simon was unusually affectionate, holding onto my arm like a lifeline as we ordered. He kept flashing his blinding grins at me, making me lose my breath. If I had drunk any less blood the night before my face would’ve been permanently tomato red.</p><p>The memory brings the tears I had been holding back, and I let them come out freely. Other people on the sidewalks give me weird looks as they pass me, but I ignore them. If Simon Snow broke up with them they would be crying too.</p><p>Somehow I make it to my flat. I stumble to the kitchen, pulling the Fireball from the top shelf where I keep my alcohol, not bothering to grab a glass. </p><p>I took several gulps straight from the bottle, welcoming the burn down my throat. I intend to drown myself in alcohol before the pain and memories drown me.</p><p> </p><p>Simon</p><p>I’m still staring at the couch when Penny comes home. </p><p>“Si? I thought Baz was coming over, where is he? I need to talk to him…” Her voice trails off as she looks at my face.</p><p>“Simon? Are you okay?” Her voice is full of concern, and she brushes her hair from behind her face impatiently.</p><p>Am I? All I feel is an overwhelming sense of numbness. I shrug. Penny sits down next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Do you want to talk about it?” Her voice is soft. I shake my head and bury my head in her curls.</p><p>We sit in silence for a while until I blurt out, “I broke up with him.” Penny pulls away in surprise, and I can see the gears turning over in her head. She sighs and hugs me closer. </p><p>“Why on earth would you do that?” She asks, but it’s a lot gentler than one would expect.</p><p>“I can’t make him happy Penny, he deserves so much better and I can’t give that to him.” She makes a noncommittal noise, and I know that she doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t press it. </p><p>At some point, I start crying, and she silently hands me some tissues.</p><p>Penny</p><p>I can’t believe how stupid these two are. At least I can keep an eye on Simon and watch for the aftermath to hit him, but what about Baz?</p><p>Merlin knows what he’s up to. As discreetly as possible, I text Dev and Niall to check on him. We don’t talk, but I wrangled their numbers from Baz a long time ago. Then I text Baz to tell him I’ll call him tomorrow and that he better answer.</p><p>Simon is shaking under my arm, and my heart breaks. I don’t know what to say to make him feel any better, so I just hug him closer. </p><p>My phone buzzes and I read the texts:</p><p>	Dev: what the fuck? we’re on the way to baz’s flat.</p><p>He’s angry, but I can’t bring myself to care. I am too, but my sadness for them both far outweighs it.</p><p>Simon Snow is an idiot who can’t see how Baz would do anything for him. However, I know that this isn’t the time to try to reason with Simon, that can wait until tomorrow. I already feel a plan to get them back together working in the back of my mind. </p><p>Baz</p><p>I can hear knocking on my door, and hope shoots through me, and I nearly trip over my feet in my hurry to get to the door.</p><p>I yank the door open, wanting to see messy hair and blue eyes, but instead I see Dev and Niall. My face falls, and I don’t try to hide it.</p><p>Dev’s eyes are full of sympathy as he asks “Alright, mate?”</p><p>I laugh humorlessly and go back to the table that I put the Fireball on. “What do you think? What am I supposed to feel when the love of my life decides I can’t be a part of his life?” It briefly crosses my mind to ask why they’re here and how they seem to know what happens, but then I decide it doesn’t matter. Talking means less alcohol can go down my mouth. </p><p>It was probably Bunce. Who’s probably with Snow. Who I probably shouldn't be thinking about. </p><p>Niall tries to pull the whiskey out of hand, but I grip it tightly. “Please let me have just this,” I whisper. He nods, but gets up to grab three glasses, “We can’t let you drink yourself to death alone,” he tells me as he goes for the bottle in my hand, and this time I let him.</p><p>We drink in silence for a while, but the whiskey starts to kick into my system, and I start to get morose. Why did I grab whiskey? It makes me a sad drunk, and I’m already heartbroken.</p><p>I point at Niall and Dev accusingly, “Why’d you let me drink whiskey? I feel glum.” Niall raises his eyebrows, and mouths glum to Dev, who snorts. I graciously decide to ignore it. </p><p>“You were already drinking when we got here mate,” Dev says, but takes the bottle from me nonetheless. He goes over to my alcohol collection and grabs me some red wine.</p><p>I sit in silence, staring at the coffee table, taking large swigs of the wine bottle frequently. Niall and Dev start-up a mindless stream of chatter to try to distract me, but I think they know I’m not taking it in.</p><p>I’m not taking anything in. Simon bloody Snow. </p><p>“We were supposed to be forever,” I slur, talking more to my glass than Dev and Niall, but they listen anyway. “He told me we would be.” Fresh tears track down my cheeks as I slam the rest of my drink down my throat. </p><p>“I hate him,” I whisper, but we all know that I’m lying.</p><p>Simon</p><p>“I love him,” I sob into Penny’s hair, finally feeling the weight of what I did hit me. “Why did I do that?” </p><p>“Because, you’re an idiot, Si,” Penny tells me, not unkindly. She’s right. I need to tell Baz, take it back. I need to do something. I stand up suddenly, knocking Penny to the side.</p><p>“Simon, where are you going?” She calls after me, as I rush to put on my shoes and my coat.</p><p>“I have to go see him,” I choke out. I rake my hand through my hair, “What did I do? What was I thinking?” I start to pace frantically. I need to leave, but I can’t bring myself to actually open the door. </p><p>I can feel my vision going fuzzy, and if I still had my magic I would’ve gone off at least three times by now. “Simon?” I hear Penny say from somewhere behind me, but I can’t bring myself to answer. She keeps talking, but her voice fades to background noise as my thoughts clash around.</p><p>I need to see Baz. He’s better without me, he only thinks he’s happy. I’m not even the Chosen One, he deserves better. I love him, I need to see him. Baz Baz Baz Baz.</p><p>I shout, wanting the voice in my head to be quiet for once. I'm tugging at my hair so hard that it ought to have come out by now. Penny comes from seemingly nowhere and grabs for my hands.</p><p>“Simon, stop you need your hair. We are going to go outside, okay? You’re like a dog that needs to be walked,” she tells me, but the last sentence is muttered. I’m not sure I was meant to hear it. I’m not sure I care either. </p><p>Baz would be a great dog owner, the voice in my head says. I really wish it would shut up. </p><p>––––</p><p>Penny and I walk around aimlessly, but I still am bombarded by memories of me and Baz. Which is ridiculously unfair. You’re the one that broke up with him, the voice in my head tells me. I remember when I used to not think and the voice wasn’t there. I miss that.<br/>
“If we went down that street we would pass the pizza place we had our first date,” I tell Penny after being quiet for twenty minutes. She sighs sadly at me, “Why’d you break up with him, Si?”</p><p>“He’s better off without me.”</p><p>“Bullshit.” Her voice is stern, and she shakes her head at me. She still hugs me closer to her, so I know she’s not that mad at me. She probably thinks this is temporary, though. </p><p>It’s not. I want it to be though. </p><p>Penny pulls me into a coffee shop and sits me down at a table by the windows. She goes to the counter and gets hot chocolate and scones. I stare listlessly out the window. A tall guy in a black coat walks by, and my heart nearly leaps out of my chest, but it barely takes me a second to know it’s not Baz. His hair isn’t nearly long enough and is red. </p><p>I miss Baz. Which is ridiculous. I swallow hard, trying to get the lump down my throat to go away, but it doesn’t. I deserve it.</p><p>Penny plops down across from me with a sigh. “Are we going to actually talk about this, or do you want to talk about something else?” She asks me, but she knows the answer already.</p><p>“How are you and Shep?” I ask her, desperate for something to get my mind off of him. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. What would Baz look like without a nose? He’d still look good, he could pull anything off.</p><p>“Simon, I know you’re not even paying attention to me.”</p><p>“No, no I’m paying attention,” I say quickly, forcing myself to focus. Penny makes a face and opens her mouth like she’s going to argue, but the barista calls her name, interrupting her. </p><p>“I’ll get them,” I offer, jumping to my feet and making my way over to the counter before she can answer. “Thanks,” I tell the baristas, flashing a weak smile at them. I walk back over to Penny. Sitting next to her this time.</p><p>I shove a scone in my face and lay my head on her shoulder. “I’m an idiot,” I tell her sadly, my voice muffled by the food in the mouth.</p><p>She pats my head. “I know, but I love you anyway.” I snort, and we sip our hot chocolates in comfortable, sad silence.</p><p> </p><p>Penny</p><p>I text Dev to check in on Baz. I’m worried about him, even more than Simon. It’s going to take days for the whole thing to hit Simon, but Baz is surely already going through it. I would go out to call him, but if he’s somehow sleeping I don’t want to wake him.</p><p>I pace in our living room, staying as quiet as possible so I don’t wake Simon. I don’t need him to interrupt my plotting. How can I show Simon how fucking stupid he’s being? </p><p>If he thinks Baz is better off without him, wouldn’t showing him how Baz is now change his mind? Maybe, but I’d have to wait months before that would make sense. I don’t know if they can last months. </p><p>I collapse on the sofa with a groan. What do I do? What can I do? I hate feeling helpless, but I know I need longer to come up with a plan that will actually work. </p><p>I hear Simon get up and start clunking around in the kitchen, turning the kettle on for tea. I get up to sit at the counter and watch him. He looks like shit.</p><p>Maybe just seeing Baz would work after all. I slide my phone out of my pocket, out of Simon’s view, and text Dev once again. I hope this works.</p><p>I don’t know what to do if it doesn’t.</p><p>––––</p><p>My phone buzzes, and I check it, careful to keep it out of Simon’s line of sight. Not that I really need to, he’s staring glumly out the window.</p><p>	Dev: we’re on the way but baz is in rough shape</p><p>Dev: are you sure this is a good idea?</p><p>Penny: Honestly, I don’t know. What else can we do, though?</p><p>I sigh and put my phone away. I turn towards Simon and call out, “Hey Si, let’s go out. Fancy some scones?” He doesn’t say anything but he does slowly move away from the window. I keep talking, “It’ll be good for us to take a walk, don’t you think?”</p><p>I get a shrug instead of an answer, but he’s not arguing with me, so I’ll take it. He doesn’t talk much the whole way to the bakery, so I chatter mindlessly. When we get our scones, he methodically butters them and takes a rather large bite, but his usual enthusiasm is gone. I watch him worriedly, not bothering to hide it. He’s not paying attention anyway. </p><p>Once we’re finished and heading back to the flat, we pass a pub. “Si, let’s get a pint,” I suggest, keeping my tone light. Casual. His eyebrows furrow and he turns to look at me, “You told me that alcohol is an unhealthy way to deal with my problems.”</p><p>He’s worried about healthily working through his problems now? Merlin knows his timing is awful. “Is that a no?” I ask him, hoping he will shut up and go inside. It’s for your own good. Thank magic he shakes his head and pulls us inside. We go up to the bar and order. I scan the crowd casually and see a head of long black hair at a table in the back corner. </p><p>Perfect. I met Dev’s eyes, who sits in front of said head. He nods at me and focuses back on Baz. He had the good sense to position Baz facing away from the door. That was a smarter move than I expected from him. Niall isn’t with them, but I see an empty chair with a coat draped over it next to Baz. He’s probably going to the bathroom or something. </p><p>Baz</p><p>“Oi, go get more whiskey,” Dev tells me, holding his nearly empty glass in my face. I shove it away. “And why can’t you get your own?” I drawl. Well, I try to. My words may or may not be slightly slurred. </p><p>“It’s your round mate,” I hear Niall say as he sits back down next to me, exchanging a look with Dev I don’t care to try to read. I glare at him. “You don’t know that, you’ve been in the bathroom for the past hour,” I slur. Niall just snorts and pushes me out of my seat. </p><p>“Fine, fine. I hate you both.” They grin at me. I’ve been telling that lie almost as much as I did back at Watford lately. I glare at them as I get up and gracefully make my way over to the bar (Dev and Niall will tell you I stumbled, but I’ll tell you that Niall tripped over the sidewalk one time and Dev fell over laughing at him). A flash of bronze hair fills the corner of my vision. Crowley, my brain won’t let me stop thinking about Simon even sloshed. I refuse to look, signaling to the bartender to get his attention. </p><p>“Three whiskeys, neat, on the Pitch tab,” I tell him and throw a few pounds on the counter. Then I peel more out of my money clip, I’m feeling generous tonight. Plus, I have a feeling that our table is going to be a nightmare later on in the night. As I’m putting my wallet back in my pocket, the sweet scent of cloves fills my nostrils. I only know one person who smells like that.</p><p>“Bunce.” I don’t bother turning around. I’m not sure that I can. There’s no way she would leave Simon by himself right now and I can’t handle seeing him. Unless he’s happy now that he’s gotten me off my hands now; he’s no longer dating a monster and doesn’t have to figure out what it means that he’s dating me. Was dating me, I suppose. </p><p>She touches my arm, and I know she wants me to look at her. Crowley, I can feel her eyes roving over me to assess how not okay I am. Like she has to guess. She knows. “Simon went outside for some air.” </p><p>I’m both disappointed and relieved. I finally look at her. She has the same pitying look as Dev and Niall. “What are you doing here?” I’m grumbling, but I’m happy to see her. And possibly Simon. How is his face the only thing and the last thing I want to see at the same time? </p><p>A guilty expression flits across her face, and I instantly become suspicious. Of course. I should have known from the start. I look over at Dev and Niall, who at least have the decency to look away like they haven’t been watching the whole thing. </p><p>“You’ve got to be joking. What the fuck were you thinking? That he’d see me and everything would be all fine and dandy? He broke up with me,” I feel my voice crack, but I’m too angry to care. I’m no longer slurring, my anger sobered me up. I push off my barstool and storm out even though it’s fucking freezing outside and my coat is back at the table.</p><p>Maybe I’m not completely sobered up yet because I forgot one small detail. I stop dead in my tracks when I see a familiar red puffer coat and bronze curls. Simon. He looks up before I can go back inside. </p><p>Shit.</p><p>Simon</p><p>Baz looks like shit, but he still pulls it off, the bloody wanker. He’s staring at me and I can tell he’s angry. He’s also pissed off his rocker, but alcohol doesn’t turn him into as big of a mess as it does to me (Of course he’s good at being drunk. He’s good at everything.). It’s a good thing I’m frozen in place because I don’t think he would appreciate me snogging his face off right now. He’s frozen in place too, otherwise, he probably would’ve punched me by now (I deserve it). </p><p>A strangled sound makes its way out of my throat, which seems to jolt him into action. He turns around and runs back into the bar. I run after him, pushing through the crowd, trying desperately to track him. Lucky for me, he’s so fucking tall he can’t blend into the crowd. He’s making a run for the bathroom it seems, which is good because I have an overwhelming need to talk to him. </p><p>He slams into the door of the bathroom and I rush in as fast as I can in case he gets out his wand and seals the door. He made a beeline to one of the open stalls, but I catch the door before he can slam it shut and lock it. Before he can lock me out.</p><p>“Baz, we need to talk.” It comes out desperate, but I can’t bring myself to care. He gives me a strange look before his mask slips on. Shit.</p><p>“What is there to talk about, Snow?” His voice is icy, but there’s a slight tremble. He crosses his arm and arches an eyebrow at me (Baz knows it drives me insane. I think that’s what he’s trying to do.) and waits.</p><p>I don’t have a plan of something to say, and his pose feels like we’re back as sixth years in Watford. It makes me feel defensive and itch for a fight. Which is not what I want to do, but I’ve never been good at words. “I-I don’t want to fight, Baz. I just want to talk so you can drop your act right now.” Baz’s face shifts and I start to regret my words. I open my mouth again but he interrupts me before I can say anything.</p><p>“I know you don’t want to fight, Snow. You don’t want to fight for me,” His voice cracks and my stomach clenches, “You’ve scribbled out my name in your life. And I should’ve known this would be the end.” Baz slides to the floor, looking anguished and I can’t say anything. Every word feels like he punched me in the gut, but if he did that instead I think it would hurt less. </p><p>I slide down on the floor next to him and pull him into my lap. Baz buries his head between my shoulder and neck, and I can feel him shaking. “You don’t get to do this, Simon, it’s not fair. You can’t decide to close the book and then come chasing after me, I’ll never get over you. Although I don’t think I ever will.”</p><p>“You should,” I tell him softly. “I can’t give you what you need, I’m broken. I don’t have my magic anymore, I don’t…” I trail off. I don’t know how to tell him that he deserves someone who can give him the sun and the moon and the stars. “If I can’t be the Chosen One anymore how can I be your boyfriend?” </p><p>Baz pushes off of me, his eyes blazing. “That’s the biggest piece of bullshit I’ve ever heard. You’re so bloody selfless that you gave away your magic without a second thought to save all of magic you bloody wanker. I’m the broken one for Crowley’s sake, I’m a bloody vampire and the only thing I know about them is I need blood and food and water.” He gets up and starts pacing, tearing at his hair. But he doesn’t leave. </p><p>I start grinning at him, and when he looks back at me, he looks confused. “We’re a couple of fucking messes aren’t we?” My voice is light, but I’m serious and I know he knows it. Baz is too smart not to. </p><p>He sighs, exasperated, “I’ve told you that before, Simon. And I distinctly remember telling you that I don’t mind because we match.” My smile widens, and he starts to smile back.</p><p>“You said that you loved it.” He scowls at me for that but doesn’t protest when I stand up and throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his middle. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into his chest. “I was miserable until I saw you if it helps.”</p><p>“Me too. I still am,” He replies, so I poke him in the ribs, but we’re both smiling. I stand up on my tiptoes to kiss him, and it feels like I’m home. I pull away sooner than I want to, but we are in a public bathroom. I look around, and the bathroom is luckily empty. Baz releases me and grabs my hand. “Can we not do this again?” Baz asks me, bringing up our hands to kiss my knuckles. “I’m going to have to burn these clothes from these floors. Also, I don’t think my liver will recover from how much whiskey I’ve been drinking.”</p><p>I snort but nod. He starts to pull me towards the door, but I stop in my tracks. “Penny is going to kill me,” I say suddenly. Baz smirks, “I don’t think she’ll mind, Dev, Niall, and she set this whole thing up.”</p><p>“Dev and Niall?” I furrow my eyebrows. “I didn’t think she liked them. Also, how?”</p><p>“They brought me here, and speaking of them, we should probably get out of here before they barge down the door to make sure we didn’t kill each other.” He pulls me along and walks over to a table in the back corner where our three friends are sitting.</p><p>“About time, mate,” Niall calls out to us, raising his glass up to us. Penny turns around and sees our intertwined hands. She smirks, her satisfaction rolling off her in waves. I can feel Baz roll his eyes, but his grip tightens around my hand. </p><p>Neither of us plans on letting go anytime soon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm american, not british if you couldn't tell lol</p></blockquote></div></div>
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